Friday, October 2, 2020

Lyrical Analysis - Sister Christian

I was listening to the classic Night Ranger song 'Sister Christian' and my mind subconsciously began trying to make sense of the lyrics. By the end of the song I had come to a hilarious conclusion. Similar to the antics of Tarantino and his interpretation of the song 'Like A Virgin' I will now (perhaps) put a different slant on this song merely being about a guy hooking up with a chick.

It all begins in the opening stanza with:
 
        'Sister Christian, oh, the time has come. And you know that you're the only one' 
- so far so good - 
        'To say okay'

What? The first line feels like he has found his life partner and that they are perhaps about to exchange vows. And then this is dashed as we all know that 'okay' is not a facsimile for 'I do' but rather implies that he's referring to an opportunity to bump uglies; with uglies being the appropriate word (as you will soon see.) 
 
This guy has to be one ugly mofo. He's tried peddling his wares across town but with no luck. Even back-alley Betty wouldn't accept money for her services. That is until he gets to his sister (?) who's is presumably named Christian. I'm sure the by-product of this unholy union would be wondrous.


Then we get to the following stanza:

        'Where you going, what you looking for
        You know those boys don't want to play no more with you
        It's true'

This one is jam-packed. This implies that she's the village bicycle - who has been a few too many times around the block such that none of the boys want to ride her anymore. But he does. This implies that not only is the singer one ugly mofo; she's no oil painting, either. He points out that all that remains of the revolving gyro of male companionship is his paltry offering of congealed and rancid off-cuts which remain uneaten in the drip-tray.
 
To add insult to injury, apparently this guy still has to pay for her services with:
 
        'You're motoring, what's your price for flight?
        In finding Mister Right'
 
This dude must have a second head for the village bicycle to still require payment.

        'You'll be alright tonight'

Even with her payment procured, he still needs to give her reassurances that it won't be so terrible, in fact, it will be alright. He is neither an oil painting nor particularly adept in the bedroom department. Which probably shouldn't come as too much of a surprise if she's the only one to permit him through the gates of heaven.

The rest of the song basically repeats those lines and, with every repetition, the song becomes more hilarious. Now, if you were born beaten to a pulp with the ugly stick then I feel sorry for you but even you would have to admit that the lyrics are pretty funny.