What's the matter, Hand Solo?

So, "Solo : A Star Wars Story" has tanked - and I could not be happier. I am at a point in my life where I have vowed never to watch another Star Wars film ever again - and they seem to be making it quite easy to keep that resolve, what with the derisive Last Jedi, paint-drying Rogue One and "that's not Han Solo" Solo film. But, really, it wasn't that surprising - and here's why:

George Lucas would be happy

The original two directors were fired because the first cut of the movie was awful. They then assigned the one-foot-in-the-grave antics of Ritchie Cunningham to pick up the pieces.

We have a feminista robot named L3-37

First of all, what's with the cringe-worthy name? For those of you who don't speak nerd, it means elite. The fact that we get a pointlessly emotional diatribe from a robot talking about 'womens' rights' is all parts ridiculous; and apparently this character is on its way to reach the upper-echelons of Jar-Jar Binks territory.

Woody Harrelson cashes a cheque

I love Woody as an actor but even I can see the glazed stare - even in the trailers - and that he's just doin' it for the benjamins. At least he'll be well stocked in 'green' if you know what I mean ...

Shall I compare thee to a - line?

Despite an exhaustive selection process to get the perfect guy for the job, they neglected to notice he couldn't actually act. I'll repeat: 'Han Solo' needed acting lessons. You would think that being able to act would be the first requirement for, you know, being an actor.

Han Solo is not Han Solo

If it's not Harrison Ford playing this character (when he was of an age where he could still play this character) I don't want to know. I think even Hansel would have a better chance of playing a roguish smuggler. Instead we got this guy:

You would think that if you are looking for a ruggedly handsome guy to attempt to fill Harrison's shoes, you'd get a, you know, ruggedly handsome guy to play the role.

In conclusion ...

This is probably the best thing that could have happened for the Star Wars franchise. When the fans are disenfranchised with the latest actual sequel of Star Wars, I am actually predicting ever-diminishing returns in the world of Star Wars. At least you would hope that Disney will have hopefully learned to not lean as heavily on nostalgia and actually spend more than a rudimentary level of attention on story, characters, actors and directors for once in their life.