Lyrical Analysis - Sister Christian

I was listening to the classic Night Ranger song 'Sister Christian' and my mind subconsciously began trying to make sense of the lyrics. By the end of the song I had come to a hilarious conclusion. Similar to the antics of Tarantino and his interpretation of the song 'Like A Virgin' I will now (perhaps) put a different slant on this song merely being about a guy hooking up with a chick.

It all begins in the opening stanza with:

 

        'Sister Christian, oh, the time has come. And you know that you're the only one' 

- so far so good - 

        'To say okay'

What? The first line feels like he has found his life partner and that they are perhaps about to exchange vows. And then this is dashed as we all know that 'okay' is not a facsimile for 'I do' but rather implies that he's referring to an opportunity to bump uglies; with uglies being the appropriate word (as you will soon see.) 

 

This guy has to be one ugly mofo. He's tried peddling his wares across town but with no luck. Even back-alley Betty wouldn't accept money for her services. That is until he gets to his sister (?) who's is presumably named Christian. I'm sure the by-product of this unholy union would be wondrous.

Then we get to the following stanza:

        'Where you going, what you looking for
        You know those boys don't want to play no more with you
        It's true'

This one is jam-packed. This implies that she's the village bicycle - who has been a few too many times around the block such that none of the boys want to ride her anymore. But he does. This implies that not only is the singer one ugly mofo; she's no oil painting, either. He points out that all that remains of the revolving gyro of male companionship is his paltry offering of congealed and rancid off-cuts which remain uneaten in the drip-tray.

 

To add insult to injury, apparently this guy still has to pay for her services with:

 

        'You're motoring, what's your price for flight?

        In finding Mister Right'

 

This dude must have a second head for the village bicycle to still require payment.

        'You'll be alright tonight'

Even with her payment procured, he still needs to give her reassurances that it won't be so terrible, in fact, it will be alright. He is neither an oil painting nor particularly adept in the bedroom department. Which probably shouldn't come as too much of a surprise if she's the only one to permit him through the gates of heaven.

The rest of the song basically repeats those lines and, with every repetition, the song becomes more hilarious. Now, if you were born beaten to a pulp with the ugly stick then I feel sorry for you but even you would have to admit that the lyrics are pretty funny.

Lyrical Analysis - Gone Gone Gone

Ah, Phillip Phillips. Your name sounds like it was created as the byproduct of peyote and inbreeding. It doesn't help that you also create probably the least inspired and irritating music. Case in point: Gone Gone Gone - a poor man's rip-off of a poor man's rip-off of a hoe-down band. It clearly shows that your mental faculties were stressed beyond their limits with lyrics which give way to preschool-level rhyming couplets, incessantly repeated lines and a simple theme about love, dedication and loss. 

Actually, upon reviewing your lyrics, I cannot find even one line which rings true with my initial assessment. Delving deeper, the theme of the song just comes across as a disturbing, obsessive, stalkerish, maniacal and quite clearly homicidal tone toward an unrequited love interest. The song's progression also doesn't seem to follow a natural flow with opening lines (within the initial stanza) of:

'I'll be at your door tonight' ... or ... 'I'll shut down the city lights'

This is apparently to prove his dedication to her, or his willingness to perform jihadist and SWAT tactics; so far, so unhinged.

'I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe to make you well'

Maybe this implies that she is on her death bed or very sick. But, still, it doesn't bode well for his moral compass. 

'When you fall like a statue. I'm gon' be there to catch you. Put you on your feet, you on your feet'

The psychiatrist in me clearly sees his objectification of her; something to be maintained and kept under lock-and-key rather than seen as an individual in her own right. I can see similar correlations with how Buffalo Bill conversed with his victims with his usage of 'it' rather than 'you/her/she'.

'You would never sleep alone'

Which would be perfectly fine - as long as you are in a relationship with her. But lines like 'I'll share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well. Give me reasons to believe, that you would do the same for me.' clearly show that this is a one-way street and falls into the same category as Every breath you take and that he also gets pleasure from sado-masochistic stimulation.

'I love you long after you're gone'

Now that just sounds wrong. It's not if you're gone but after you're gone ... as if it's a foregone conclusion that either she escapes his clutches or dies at a time of his choosing. And then we have this doozy:

'Like a drum baby don't stop beating'

Apparently I need to explain to Mr Phillip Phillips that a drum does in fact stop beating as soon as you stop hitting it - or maybe that was his intention. Dictating when to stop drumming also implies that he controls when she dies. And then we have the natural Romeo and Juliet conclusion where he joins her in his pact to end his life upon her death with:

'Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you'

So, yes. We have naturally come to the conclusion that Mr Phillip Phillips has created an upbeat and motivational track about terrorism, stalking, obsession, murder and suicide. Your parents, Phillip Phillips Sr and Phillipa Phillips, must be so proud.