Thursday, March 12, 2020

A tale as old as time

Ah, PayPal, you promised us seamless money transfers but delivered us price-gouging, bureaucracy and a useless payment process instead. Perhaps you are merely successful by sake of proxy but, sweet jeebus, you certainly rest upon your laurels while doing so.

Now listen, children, to a tale as old as time; in the early years of the internet there was a time when paying for things was fraught with danger. Where things like 'HTTPS' were mocked and evil-doers could easily extract credit card details at the drop of the hat. But, fear not, a plucky young hero going by the name of Elon Musk decided to put a stop to those antagonistic ways by putting up a relatively secure payment method going by the name of PayPal which would be able to bridge between the far-off lands and allow peasants, such as myself, the ability to pay for goods and services rendered.

 
Now, from the start, I wasn't much of a fan of it. It was heavy, cludgy and awkward to use and the price-gouging on fund transfers was pretty hard to swallow (although they did have to make money somehow). This also became the default payment method for all Ebay purchasers (which, of course, they had bought) - but the process remains awkward - even today, and so, our paths diverged as I moved onwards toward greener pastures. Later, approximately 8-9 years to be exact, I decided that it would be best to close my account. But, apparently, there remained an account balance which needed to be transfer to my linked account and then, finally then, I would be able to end the curse of PayPal. 

And so, began my quest to squeeze blood out of stone. 
First problem: I had forgotten my password; no problem - just use 'forgot my password' to leverage my (still-remembered) security questions. 
Second problem: the confirmation code is sent to a defunct cell phone number; no problem - just call customer support. 
Third problem: customer support can't do anything useful; no problem - actually, wait, big problem

I'm in a wonderful limbo state where I can't request my account to be closed; I can't request my balance to be transferred; I can't request my password to be reset; I can't request an iota of sanity to momentarily regale within the organisation of PayPal. And so, we have a wonderful stalemate where incompetent people within an incompetent organisation withhold funds from me due to stupid bureaucracy and stupid policies. And so, the not-so-evil Elon Musk (since he has disassociated himself from it) can rest easy in the fact the former aborted abomination can relax with a few more ill-gotten dollars to its name.